Tears that burn

Sometimes the tears that roll down my cheeks feel like acid.
I’m not sure if this is some way of making it hurt more than it already does.
Pain is painful.
Why does this hurt so much? I’m taking about my ex. Seeing him with his new gf the first time was always going to be hard and the thing is I didn’t want him back – we didn’t work. But it’s the pain that’s there is because I had WANTED it to.
Letting go of someone because it doesn’t work is different to letting go of someone because you don’t love them anymore. Hell I loved him zillions. Still do. He’s an amazing person. He couldn’t see his own potential himself however, often putting himself down and anything I said or did would often be taken the wrong away or as an attack. I don’t know if it was me who made him like this but he said he’d been depressed a long time.
I guess I should be happy he has a chance now with someone new. Will it be different this time?
I think you need to be able to love yourself before you can love anyone else and I’m not sure if he’s quite there yet.
It’s hard for me to stop caring as we remained friends but I know the new girl isn’t going to be happy about that. I’ve already notice him start pushing me away. I’ll have no choice but to completely let go soon. I have been his rock in many times of darkness, part of me is scared to let go, for his sake more than mine.
It’s just strange I have this mix of feelings. I care so much still.
I know it wouldn’t work being with him, yet I’ll love him always.
Life is hard. And the tears roll.


Photographic proof

The moment I saw the photo my heart stopped. A moment frozen in time of two people I barely recognised, my now blonde hair was dark then, lightly curled Hollywood style for my 31st birthday, my black and white themed party. Bright cranberry coloured lipgloss applied to a mouth that had a huge smile. But the smile didn’t stop there, the smile was in my eyes, they were sparkling. My white linen dress was seamless and my tanned arm reached around tightly hugging this man in a pressed white shirt, with a similar smile (minus the lipgloss) and sparking, happy eyes. His arm around my back and holding me equally as tight.
We had loved each other a lot.

I had been looking back on photos to find ones to make a birthday present for a friend. Well this had sure sidetracked me…
I took a screenshot of my computer screen and without too much thought sent it to the man in the photo. He didn’t reply. He was probably busy, trying to get on with his life, trying to escape the constant drama that had been us for the last 2 plus years of our lives since that photo was taken.
We have managed to remain friends. Despite after I posted about why ex sex is a big no no, we ended up going home together after a friends engagement party and having amazing sex for 3 hours. Mind blowing sex.
It’s always so good when it’s bad right?
When I did hear from him, he replied “We looked happy”.
“We were happy” I replied back.
Then conversation went back and forth a bit and he must have thought I was hoping for more. Maybe I was? I don’t know? It’s such a messy place. He’s still the first person I want to tell when something happens to me. I’m not sure how long it will take for that to change.

We started to get into a fight again while texting, which I guess is old habits. I asked him if he ever really loved me. Which was stupid considering I held photographic proof.
He replied “Of course I love you, don’t be a dick”
Wait. I read the text 3 more times. Maybe it was a typo. Maybe he missed the d off by accident.
“You still love me?”
Present tense???
And then his response, which may be the most heartbreaking of all-
“Yea but I know we can’t be together. We killed each other…”

A tear rolled down my cheek. Too much would have to change. We both knew we didn’t function well in a relationship, we both had or own dramas and issues.

There is no going back.

Why is life like this, why is it so hard?

Being human sucks.
I want to be a cat in my next life please.

What is happiness really… ?

Like chasing the gold at the end of the rainbow, happiness seems to elude most of us, but what is real happiness?

Is it getting a new car, new house or getting a payrise?
Whilst those things might give you the warm fuzzies for a short period of time, we usually go back to feeling empty and get that “I’ll be happy when… (Insert next item to buy, place to live, job to obtain here) happens…”
Stop. You are here today. This day is where you can realise you don’t need big money items or luxuries or fame or the next big thing… Wake up and realise you ALREADY have so much to be happy about.

It’s THE LITTLE THINGS like eating yummy food and feeling satisfied, or the excitement of getting an online order in the mail. Cuddles with cats. Truly appreciating nature. Taking notice at the magic of when flower’s bloom or when the sun sets over the ocean. Spending time with good friends. Being silly etc. LAUGHING!
Listening to great music. Getting/ sending hand written letters in the mail. Little things that are so simple are really where happiness comes from.
Not possessions or jobs or

It’s easy to forget sometimes…
The secret is CONTENTMENT over happiness I believe… happiness is like an illusion, there’s no way to be happy ALL the time, but you can be happy with what you have = contentment.

Always appreciate what you have x

Please feel free to leave a comment with the little things you find enjoyment from.

I got lucky with the job.

I got accepted for a job in my dream career 2 days after I moved out of my ex’s house.
I am so grateful for this job it’s not even funny. The people there are so kind and nice and into the same things as me which is so cool.
I am learning so much technical stuff I really feel like my brain is getting so full and dealing with break up dramas and living back with my mom… I end up wishing for the weekend just to get a sleep in and then the weekend comes and I feel sad or lonely. Sometimes I’ll get invited to things or throw myself into my photography or play with my dog which numbs the pain for a bit.
I’ve lost who I am and the fun stuff that made me, me. It’s hard when you are strong and brave for so long on the outside and on the inside you are screaming help me!!!!!
No one understands, they are too busy. It’s so hard. I just want to talk to someone who gets it. I just want to be over this and back to the good place I was in before I met him. Where has the fun me gone? I miss her.
I am so grateful for my job and my dog.
They have saved me.

Ex sex – A survivor’s guide

Sometimes, no matter what the reason for the break up, there will almost always be a moment where ex sex is possible.

This happens for 1 of 3 reasons:
1. You still have feelings for them
2. You still find them sexy
3. You are horny

For me it was all 3 reasons.. Which probably should have rang alarms bells from the get go.

You may also find yourself thinking of reasons for justifying it to your friends.. Reasons like;
“I have needs too”
“My ex knows what I like” or even
“My ex’s bed is just really comfortable, and I need a good sleep cos my back hurts after all the sex!” Not that you would usually sleep over, it’s just sex after all…

You know when your friends find out you’re sleeping with your ex they are going to;
a) tell you it’s a bad idea
b) tell you it’s a bad idea or
c) agree that Horniness must be met and it’s better than sleeping with a random stranger… And this way your number doesn’t go up.

So… You’ve slept with your ex and the performance was either
a) TERRIBLE, what were you thinking! This is half the reason you broke up!
b) mind blowingly amazing, but you hardly had it when you were together because you were too busy fighting.

If it’s a) you are going to be left feeling unsatisfied and like crap.

If it’s b) – my scenario – you are going to be feeling super duper satisfied and then curse yourself for not making it work, and then come to the conclusion it didn’t work for these 87 reasons. And be left feeling like crap.

Long story short, you know it’s not a good idea… If you want to have sex with them still, you have to question why you broke up in the first place.. And let’s face it, who’s wants to do that all over again.

But yes the sex is amazing.. Maybe it’s the wanting what you can’t have? Either way.. I did it and sometimes it is good to get it out of your system.
After all.. I have needs…
I think that’s probably the last time we will do it… Probably…

Yeah really…

No. Don’t. Do. It.

Put down the phone…

The honeymoon phase… does it really have to end?

Soooo… the honeymoon phase. The “sales mode” phase as we liked to call it.

That time at the start of a relationship that is so good and perfect. When you do everything in your power to impress your partner, everything in your power to make them happy.

Compromise is at its peak in this phase. You are more than willing to do what they want, when they want and they reciprocate. You are just so smitten, that anything is less than an effort, its an opportunity to spend time with them and enjoy just being in each others company.

It is apparent to me now, that this Honeymoon phase occurs more often than not, whilst you are living apart… There is no dirty socks left on the floor (that you have to deal with), no responsibilities together as a couple to run a household.

You actually MAKE PLANS to hang out. Spend QUALITY time together.

We do so many kind acts for each other in the Honeymoon Phase. Why does this change? Why does it have to stop?

I sometimes wonder when we changed from me being so willing to take his empty dinner plate to the bench to thinking “take your own bloody plate”.

I fully intend to make an experiment out of my next partner to see if I continue to strive to put his happiness before my own, to instead be wondering Where are my flowers? To endeavouring to make him happy. Will this in turn keep him doing kind things for me to make me happy? Will it work if I don’t tell him that’s what’s happening? That I want the passion to stay alive… to keep making out… to keep having as much sex as possible… Keep doing “the little things” like taking his plate and giving him head massages… 

I can see that working for a while… but living together, which is inevitable in a long term relationship, is a whole nother kettle of fish. It brings another element to the relationship. Maybe depending on your partner, if his living habits are slightly different to yours, it can create quite a disharmony…

If he is messy… or you are… it can lead the tidy one to nag. It is so hard to get a good functioning relationship.. Leaving the house stuff out. I’ll settle for spending our lives wanting to make each other happy and that contentment is more important than anything else.